A Place for Myself

2002-07-23T21:20:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? Like, the weather decides it wants a monsoon, or you get all teary-eyed and sad listening to the sappy radio station that you can't turn off even though you know it's better if you do? I think it all has to do with self-control, which I seem to be lacking in. I don't know... Do you ever hear voices of people in your head? People who hurt you in the past, and even though they're out of your life, they still hurt you? Like, just the thought of them or the sound of someone whose voice is similar to theirs hurts and makes you want to cry? Perhaps it's because of the dreary day and all the stress? hehe.. just something to muse about - the causes of the "blues"

2002-07-23T17:32:00.000-04:00

Encouraging news..... According to Prof. Lubinsky, when I win my Nobel Peace Prize in Quantum Physics, it'll be because I learned my eigenvalues and eigenvectors well... Too bad I don't understand what he's talking about. Perhaps he was referring to the rest of the class? hehe.. Anyways, I think that was the most amusing comment I heard yesterday... Sheeshh, I'm such a dork... hehe

2002-07-08T22:32:00.000-04:00

Of late, it seems to me that I've made far too many mistakes this past few years. I think the mistakes I've made, well, I don't think they can be corrected. I am wondering if perhaps I should give up on trying to correct them and just move on. I'll remember the lessons that I've learned and apply them to new experiences that arise, of course. I don't know. Is that taking the easy way out, or is that the logical action to take? I think all I really have to say for myself is: "I don't know."

2002-06-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

hmmm... nothing to say really... It was a dramatic day for me, but the stress was alleviated with the aid of John, Davis, and Vincent. John and Davis are fabulous friends =D Thanks for everything, John and Davis. I'll feed you gal-bee some day, I promise. hehe.... Vincent is, as always, perfect. A beautiful friend till the very end, and then some more. Thank you *hugs*

2002-06-25T22:47:00.000-04:00

A bit busy lately with school... In the meantime, here's an excellent link: http://www.stuff.to/include.php?include=/talyr/album_le.txt.
All I can say is that Tori Amos is amazing =D

2002-06-21T14:57:00.000-04:00

Something to think about... Life isn't fair... but many people yearn for love. It's a strange phenomenon, I think. Not all find love, and few find everlasting love. The question is: Is it foolish to believe that you're destined to love and be loved? I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that some are born fortunate, others not so fortunate. I think that a lot has to do with the environment in which you grew up. I've come to the theory that some are meant to live solitary lives, interacting with others only through family and social functions, but never on a personal, romantic level. Perhaps it's folly to long for and seek love, for people like us who aren't supposed to be in relationships. It seems that it's a neverending struggle. Sure, worthy goals must be worked for, but what if it's futile and you know it's futile? What then? Do you say goodbye? Or do you continue in your struggle to achieve that dream? It's not just love that I talk about, but anything and everything that people desire, such as fame, wealth, knowledge, and so on. Once the dreams are achieved, what then? Do you find something eles to yearn for, or do you merely gloat and feel self-satisfied with your accomplishment? Some say that yearning for dreams is a virtue of man, but is it really? Does it perhaps merely mean that man is a foolish creature, almost narcisstic, if you will. Man has achieved much, but to what does it all bring us to? And what is all this about saving lives, that everyone deserves to live. I believe that no one should take away another person's life, but does that mean that everyone should live, whether or not he or she deserves to? It seems that man has escaped the rat race called survival of the fittest, but does that mean that we're better? Or does that just mean that we're a more flawed species? I don't think we should run a breeding program or anything like that. I just question why we seek to have all live? Some people are vegetables and aren't really living, yet we force them to live, whether that be through medicine or life support. Do you think that perhaps it's merely - "Hey, look at me, I can control life and death, thereby controlling my fellow person!" There's a fine line between being humane and being cruel, I think. I really don't know where that line is, I just wonder about it.

2002-06-20T21:29:00.000-04:00

Not too much has been happening lately. It seems that school rules my life, or better yet, Tech, otherwise known as the h**hole *sigh* I think I've been playing too much lately. I've been studying a lot, but I've also been goofing off. I've come to the conclusion that I need to submerge myself in my schoolwork, whether or not I like it. I really hope that college years aren't the best years of my life, because if they are, then I might as well jump off a bridge now... Speaking of lighter things now.... I've learned my freshman year in college that it can actually be a good thing to have girl friends, especially when those girls are Judy and Mindy =D They're fabulous girls. This summer, my friends have been keeping my sanity. Jimmy, Brandon, Arun, Judy, Mindy, and the list goes on =) Such a lovely thing to have friends, isn't it? ... Something I've pondered occassionally... Does true love really exist? I don't understand why people believe in true love. Perhaps I'm too young to understand it, or perhaps it's because I'm too cynical/skeptical. In fact, I even wonder about the concept of love. Do you think that maybe love is only a fleeting feeling, perhaps something akin to a drug-induced high? I believe that people love, but is love everlasting? Or does it come to you and eventually turn into friendship? Love seems to make people inefficient creatures, especially myself. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we didn't fall in love... But then again, one can argue that love must exist in order for people to appreciate the world's beauty and whatnot. It seems to me that love is something that comes along naturally, but that it's not the best thing in the world. Emotions are definitely illogical. oh well. One can't really do much about how oneself feels. Might as well live with it... Homo sapiens are definitely strange creatures... hehe.. hence the saying about... maybe the aliens haven't visited us because they're too smart to...

2002-06-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

An artist I'm currently listening to: Toby Keith

"You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This"
I've got a funny feeling
The moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me
My heart skipped a beat in time
There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinking lots of crazy things
I think I even saw a flash of light
It felt like electricity
Chorus:
You shouldn't kiss me like this unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes and I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor spinning around
And around and around and around
They're all watching us now they think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again
Everybody swears we'd make a perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite the way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know

"We were in Love"

If I could invent a time machine, then maybe
We'd both be seventeen

Crusing in my first car, neckin like movie stars on a
Friday night
Do you remember those Friday nights?

We were a rock, ready to roll, there was a fire down in our souls
And all the whole world had to stand still, then turn around us
'Cause that was the deal
And oh how those nights went flowing like wine,
When I was all yours and you were all mine
And we were in love, yeah we were in love

I can still see you when I sleep, there is a picture I still keep
You with your hair in the wind and me with that crazy grin
Under summer skies when dreams where too young to die

We were a rock, ready to roll, there was a fire down in our souls
And all the whole world had to stand still, then turn around us
'Cause that was the deal
And oh how those nights went flowing like wine,
When I was all yours and you were all mine
And we were in love, yeah we were in love

Oh I know, I know it sounds crazy but baby your still the one
So let's find a way to bring back the days that our hearts were forever young

We were a rock, ready to roll, there was a fire down in our souls
And all the whole world had to stand still, then turn around us
'Cause that was the deal
And oh how those nights went flowing like wine,
When I was all yours and you were all mine
And we were in love, yeah we were in love, yeah we were in love

2002-06-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

Finally found the lyrics and translation to Kiss - Because I'm a Girl... (I found it on http://kissofangels.cjb.net)...
because i'm a girl
by kiss

doh deh cheh al soo gah ob soh namja deul eh ma eum
won hal dohn on jeh go dah joo nee eee jeh Ddoh nahn deh

ee ron jok cho eum Eee rah go noh neun teuk byul ha dah neun
keu mahl eul mee doh soh neh ghen hang bokee yuh soh

chorus
mahl eul ha jee geu reh ssoh neh gah shi roh joht dah goh
noon chi gah ob neun nahn neul bo chae ghee mahn haessoh
noh reul yolk ha myun soh doh mahnee keu ree Ool goh yah
sarangee chun boo een nah neun yuhja ee nee kah

moh deun gol ship geh dah joo myun kum bahng shil joong neh neun geh
namja rah deu ross soh teul rin mahl kat jin ahn nah

dah shi neun sok ji ahn euh rhee mah eun mok oh boh ji mahn
Ddoh dah shi sarangae moo noh ji neun geh yuhja yah

chorus

narration
Oh neul Ooh reen hae yuh ju suh
boo dee hang bok ha rah go
noh boh dah joh eun sah ram mahn nah gil bah rahn dah go
noh doh dah reun namja rahng ddok kat tae
nahl sarang han dah go mahl han dden on jeh go
sol jik hee na -- nee gah jahl den eun goh shi roh
na bo dah yeh boon yuhja mahn na hang bok ha geh jahl sahl myun oh tok hae
keu roh dah nahl jung mahl eee joh boh rhee myun oh tok hae
nahn Ee rok keh him deun deh -- him deul roh jook ket neun deh
ah jik doh nohl noh moo sarang ha neun deh

sarang eul we hae soh rah myun moh deun dah hal soo eat neun
yuhja ae chak han bon noong eul lee yong ha jee neun mahl ah joh~

han yuhja roh tae yoh nah sarang bahd go sah neun keh
ee rok keh him deul go oh ryoh Oohl jool mohl lass soh

noh reul yolk ha myun soh doh mahnee keu ree Ool goh yah
sarangee chun boo een nah neun yuhja ee nee kah

noh reul yolk ha myun soh doh mahnee keu ree Ool goh yah
sarangee chun boo een nah neun yuhja ee nee kah

=====

because i'm a girl (translated)
by kiss

i just can't understand the hearts of men
they tell you they want you and then they leave you
this is the first time, you're special
i believed those words and i was so happy

chorus
you should have told me you didn't like me any more
but i couldn't see that and you just rushed me
although i will curse you i'll still miss you
since i am a girl, to whom love is everything

i heard that if you give up things too easily
to a man, he will get bored with you
i don't think this is wrong
a girl says that she will never be fooled again
but she will fall in love again

chorus

narration
we separated today
you said you wanted me to be happy and find a better person than you
you're just like every other man
didn't you tell me you loved me?
actually, i don't want you to be happy
what if you find a girl who's prettier than me and live happily with her?
what it makes you forget me
when im hurting so much, so much i want to die
when i still love you so much...

don't take advantage of a girl's willingness to do anything for love
and her caring instinct
i didn't know that to be born as a girl and to be loved was so hard
although i will curse you i'll still miss you
since i am a girl, to whom love is everything

although i will curse you i'll still miss you
since i am a girl, to whom love is everything

2002-06-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

Supposedly, Sir Francis Bacon died from pneunomia he caught while conducting a scientific experiment - forcing chickens to eat snow, wondering if their meat would be preserved better by consuming snow

2002-06-13T02:06:00.000-04:00

What if I left you?
Would you remain in the same place I left you standing in?
Would you turn on your heel and leave,
Or would you stay?
If so, what's the reason?
Is it the same record playing over and over in your head
A willingness to remain
Holding a candle of hope I can't see
Or would you stay, weary and bored
So many questions
Yet no clear answers
Only a dim light to see truth by
Perhaps no straightforward reality exists
With only a twisted, hidden path to follow blindly in the twilight
Maybe you'll leave with never a glance back towards from whence you came
Maybe a new beginning will start
A new life, forgetting the old
Maybe it's better this way
Or maybe no
If only answers were to be had
Always sought, but never truly found
That's the riddle we seek answers to
But with no answers to be had

2002-06-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

Just listening to some peaceful music while studying...
song at this moment.

Plumb - "Damaged"

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

2002-06-10T00:41:00.000-04:00

[empty]

2002-06-03T23:40:00.000-04:00

Today, I had a very strange dream.... More like a nightmare actually...
In my dream, my brother and I were going somewhere at night. I was driving my dad's truck. We were driving in the middle of nowhere. All of the sudden, the truck's compressor had issues and the truck refused to go on. We had a large amount of corn in the back of the truck. My cell phone was about dead. We ended being on a very rural farmer's property. It was pitch black outside with only the surroundings illuminated by the truck's headlights. My brother and I were debating about what to do when the farmer and his mother came out. The farmer was 60+ and looked quite intimidating. His mother was senile. The farmer told us that we had to get off his property because we were distressing his mother. He said that by us being on his property, his mother was being plagued by the fear of having to pay rent (she was a sharecropper in her younger days), which was causing her to panic at the sight of us on the property. My brother and I didn't know what to do because we had a lot of bright yellow corn in the truck and we didn't know what to do with it. It was a frightening dream. The mother looked insane.. She had wild hair, and lots of wiry, long hair coming from her nose. The farmer looked insane also, a bit like an insane Santa Clause. He looked like he wouldn't mind shooting us. Thankfully, I woke up right then.

2002-06-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

W. H. Auden's The Sea and the Mirror A Commentary on Shakespeare's The Tempest

Preface

(The STAGE MANAGER to the Critic)

The aged catch their breath,
For the nonchalant couple go
Waltzing across the tightrope
As if there were no death
Of hope of falling down;
The wounded cry as the clown
Doubles his meaning, and O
How the dear little children laugh
When the drums roll and the lovely
Lady is sawn in half.

O what authority gives
Existence its surprise?
Science is happy to answer
That the ghosts who haunt our lives
Are handy with mirrors and wire,
That song and sugar and fire,
Courage and com-hither eyes
Have a genius for taking pains.
But how does one think up a habit?
Our wonder, our terror remains.

Art opens the fishiest eyes
To the Flesh and the Devil who heat
The Chamber of Temptation
Where heroes roar and die.
We are wet with sympathy now;
Thanks for the evening; but how
Shall we satisfy when we meet,
Between Shall-I and I-Will,
The lion's mouth whose hunger
No metaphors can fill?

Well, who in his own backyard
Has not opened his heart to the smiling
Secret he cannot quote?
Which goes to show that the Bard
Was sober when he wrote
That this world of fact we love
Is unsubstantial stuff:
All the rest is silence
On the other side of the wall:

2002-06-02T22:39:00.000-04:00

Today, I'm in a mood for W. H. Auden's poetry. I suppose today is one of those sad days due to isolation from other people, but it's a good day. Some days are needed to be spent alone. I'm not ever really alone though because I always have Jimmy or Brandon to talk to, so I guess I really can't complain too much =D

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public
doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

"Lullaby"
Lay Your Sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm:
Time and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children, and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The entirely beautiful.

Soul and body have no bounds:
To lovers as they lie upon
Her tolerant enchanted slope
In their ordinary swoon,
Grave the vision Venus sends
Of supernatural sympathy,
Universal love and hope;
While an abstract insight wakes
Among the glaciers and the rocks
The hermit's carnal ecstacy,

Certainty, fidelity
On the stroke of midnight pass
Like vibrations of a bell
And fashionable madmen raise
Their pedantic boring cry:
Every farthing of the cost.
All the dreaded cards foretell.
Shall be paid, but from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought.
Not a kiss nor look be lost.

Beauty, midnight, vision dies:
Let the winds of dawn that blow
Softly round your dreaming head
Such a day of welcome show
Eye and knocking heart may bless,
Find our mortal world enough;
Noons of dryness find you fed
By the involuntary powers,
Nights of insult let you pass
Watched by every human love.

"The More Loving One"
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

"Villanelle"
Time can say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time can say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time can say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away?
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

2002-06-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

This morning, I dreamt a strange dream. In the dream, I was in my room with the curtains pulled shut. The room was dim, lit only by the lights of fish tanks... I was attempting to clean the tanks. There were large goldfish in them with hermit crab shells at the bottome.

2002-05-31T15:11:00.000-04:00

Today's observations:
"When fighting a war, your first line of defense is to use this math theorem."
"A cross-reference is a great tool for confusing the enemy."
"The great thing about being an academic is that you have no impact on the world. When you mess up, you can just erase the board and start over. Life as an academic is pleasant and meaningless."
~ Prof. Doron Lubinsky

2002-05-29T23:57:00.000-04:00

I've noticed that math professors at Tech tend to get excited when discussing math proofs and examples... They often refer to them as "this big mess," "this creature," and so on. Strange, isn't it?... Funny how the world is the same even after a big event in your life. It's intriguing to know that although you've lost a part of yourself, life still goes on. In one way, things are the same, yet in another way, quite different. All I can say is be grateful for what you have, because you don't know when your world will come crashing down on you, leaving you a bit emptier than before. You'll recover and you'll live, but I wonder though if voids can be filled, or if peace comes eventually. I suppose voids can't be filled, but harmony can eventually come and with it comes acceptance... There's a song in my head right now - Chris Cornell "Sunshower" (from the Great Expectations soundtrack). It's a bittersweet song, I think. I've always liked the song, but of late it's been ringing inside my head. I've loved this song since the soundtrack first came out, but now I can't stop thinking about it...

Dark as roses and fine as sand
I feel your healing in your sting again
I hear you laughing and my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry
Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes
Cuts like anguish or
Recollections of better days gone by

But it's alright
When you're all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh, it's alright
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Oh, it's alright
Though your garden's gray
I know all your graces
Someday will flower, ooh...

Oh, in the sweet sunshower...
In the sweet sunshower

Eyes like oceans so far away
Feathered trails to a better way
Worried mornings turn into days
And into worried nights

But it's alright
When you're all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh, it's alright
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
It's alright
Though your garden's gray
I know all your graces
Some day will flower, ohh...

Oh, in the sweet sunshower
Oh, in the sweet sunshower

In the sweet sunshower

I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In that sweet
In the sweet sunshower
And it's alright
All you feel, you are today
Are today
It's alright
All you feel, are today
Are today... are today... (repeated)

2002-05-28T01:51:00.000-04:00

Memorial Day 2002 is the saddest day I've experienced so far - Grandma died, not my biological one, but the one I loved as my only grandmother. I'm at a loss of words and don't know what to say. These words from Erich Maria Remarque's book All Quiet on the Western Frontier come to my mind. This is the closest I can get to right now to describe the numbness:

But perhaps all this that I think is mere melancholy and dismay, which will fly away as the dust, when I stand once again beneath the poplars and listen to the rustling of their leaves. It cannot be that it has gone, the yearning that made our blood unquiet, the unknown, the perplexing, the oncoming things, the thousand faces of the future, the melodies from dreams and from books, the whispers and divinations of women; it cannot be that this has vanished in bombardment, in despair, in brothels...
I stand up.
I am very quiet. Let the months and years come, they can take nothing from me, they can take nothing more. I am so alone, and so without hope that I can confront them without fear. The life that has borne me through these years is still in my hands and my eyes. Whether I have subdued it, I know not. But so long as it is there it will seek its own way out, heedless of the will that is within me.